Monday, February 4, 2008

My Oh-So-Subtly Hateful Mother

There are certain people in my life who just can't help saying the wrong thing. For example . . .

"I was so disappointed that you didn't get that job at the University. I had such high hopes for it."

It seems innocuous, no? Well . . . no. It's ambiguous at best. Now imagine that the speaker is my mother. Loving and supportive, right? No. I don't feel those things. Especially since she then hung up on me, because she's just sooooo busy with her . . . um . . . reading junk mail catalogs? Not sure.

I 'didn't get that job' eight months ago. LET IT GO.


What about you? Do you have a "loving" underminer in your life? Want to report on their sadistic little quips? Post now and receive absolution.

And as always - have a nice day.


Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Shifting the Burden: a Former Victim of Incompetence Speaks Out

I returned some library books in September. This morning (October 16th) I got an e-mail informing me that these books are now overdue. I responded by calling the library to let them know I already turned these books in, back in September. They said I could come to the library and, if I found them on the shelf, I could turn them in at that point and they would waive my overdue fines.

What a load of malarkey.

Why is the onus on me to fix their administrative error? Furthermore, they are not allowed to "waive" a fine that was fraudulently imposed in the first place.

Do I say so to the guy on the phone? No. Instead I'm as sweet and patient as one can be. Why? Because wage-slave drones in the service industry have no incentive to be competent and instead, are incentivized to use a quid-pro-quo work ethic in which, if I am nice to him, he'll be nice to me.

Well I hate being nice. It's ironic, but "being nice" is not for sissies. It's HARD. It means having to swallow my natural inclination to be grumpy and stubborn.

Why do I have to be nice all the time? Why can't I just walk around scowling all day long? Why can't I just let fly and give everyone I meet the instruction they are so clearly in need of? Why can't I just relax and take up smoking cigarettes? Why can't I just spend every evening drinking martinis and watching old Hollywood movies in a pair of old jeans and a wrinkled T-shirt? Why do I have to keep my suits clean and pressed? Why do I have to wear makeup? Why is my hair falling out? Why am I grinding my teeth at night? Why why why?

Ohhhh . . . maybe it's because I live an almost completely fake existence, in which I try to be perfect for people who will, in exchange, give me groceries and a roof over my head.
Could be that.

BUT WAIT! I'm not a victim here. I'm a triumpher. A triumphal triumpher. Maybe I could try being less nice. Not really mean, just less . . . accommodating. Perhaps there are those who might respond positively to my instruction. Like this: "excuse me sir, but may I ask you to please show me a little more respect? I need you to give me a job. Right now, please. No, I'm afraid waiting would be bad for the both of us. Thank you." Or maybe this "excuse me, but I need to return these and I need to please get a receipt for them. Thank you."

Monday, October 15, 2007

Communication Breakdown

Yesterday (Sunday), there was a marathon in downtown Denver. In the rain. As a consequence of this ill-considered action by "they who must be obeyed" an entire city was late for a city-sized number of Sunday afternoon appointments.

Why do they do this? Why why why? Why didn't the Mayor CALL ME and ask MY ADVICE before scheduling A MARATHON through a smoggy, filthy, crowded city on a day that I had an APPOINTMENT downtown? Is he smoking crack?! I hear they do that sometimes.

There are so many things wrong with this picture it makes me want to throw up.

1) There were police officers standing around in the rain in 40 degree temperatures at every street corner, sopping wet, directing traffic. One should not provoke people who have legal access to guns, tazers and pepper-spray. One should not ask them to stand around in a cold rain without a very, very good reason. I'm surprised they volunteered, but I'm also annoyed that they were ever asked to do this thankless, annoying, and unpleasant job in the first place. Don't we need police officers to fight crime, for god's sake? Sheesh.

2) For the most part they let the runners through and stopped the cars. Occasionally they stopped the RUNNERS to allow a few cars to pass through. The people in the cars were frustrated and angry. The runners . . . well, they were WET, frustrated, and angry. Some of them jogged in place, frowning angrily at the people in the cars. Perhaps because they felt stupid for signing up to run through the rain in a smoggy, filthy city in the rain. Or because they were never informed that their TIME on this race would be fantastically inaccurate. Oh, well. To each his own.

3) I called the lady with whom I was meeting (from my cell phone) to let her know we would be late. She said fine, but her 12:00 appointment would be coming in and we would have to cut our appointment short. I breezily explained to her that, given that the ENTIRE CITY was apparently SHUT DOWN for a footrace, her 12:00 appointment would probably be late also. She just said "we'll see."

4) We had to park in a small lake. My Aunt nearly slipped and fell into it. She didn't fall, but she did succeed in dropping her purse in it! Granted, this isn't the Mayor's fault. But it's got to be someone's fault (other than mine, of course) so I think it should be Mayor Hickenlooper. He deserves it for making us late. We wrapped her purse in a towel in the trunk and forged ahead.

5) When I arrived at my appointment, the lady reminded me that, since I was nearly 30 minutes late, when the 12:00 client arrived we would have to go. I reminded her that her 12:00 would probably be late. She replied for a second time: "we'll see."

THEN her PHONE rang. Guess what? It was her 12:00 client calling to say that she was GOING TO BE LATE!!!!

Why do people do this to me? Why why why? Why don't people listen when I talk? And furthermore - why do they stare at me in the gym? Why do they look at me like I don't belong? Why aren't Hollywood movies any good anymore? Why is Pecan Pie no longer satisfying? Why aren't employers beating down my door to woo me and make me feel special? Why can't I lose weight no matter how hard I work out? Why isn't there more yoga in Denver?

Oh. Well, probably it's not Hickenlooper's fault. Probably it's some minor dignitary. Probably my aunt's purse will dry. Probably people aren't staring at me. It's just me and my ridiculously overblown sense of paranoia and self-importance. Maybe that's why people aren't hiring me. Probably.

Or maybe it's because I'm too insecure to apply. And because I'm just not convinced I want a better job, anyway. So why bother.


Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Empowerment Through Microwave Technology

My 'aunt' is fond of rushing people to the dinner table only to futz in the kitchen before being seated. Meanwhile, we stare at our food while it cools off, not daring to take a bite, while she . . . what? Stares idly into the cupboards, locates the perfect set of ice cubes for her water glass, sorts and arranges the spoons in the drawer, and . . . waters the plants. Why does she do this? Why why why? Oh . . . maybe it's because she's retired, it's her house, and she can do things any way she wants. Plus, she has a microwave. :)


Why are people so stubbornly insensitive? For that matter, why am I?

I used to be good friends with sister #1. She has a mood cycle that's very long - couple years down, couple years up, then repeat. We were close. Then her mood headed South. That was 6 years ago. Now she never speaks to me. Back in the day, she was an early riser and so was I. So I used to call her house at like, 6:30 in the morning. To bond before going to work or whatever. It was great. Then came the down turn. She asked me not to call her so early anymore. So I didn't. I thought the mood-cycle was kicking in, and she would pop back in a few years. So I was patient, gave her space, etc. But now it's been six years. What if the entire break in our relationship isn't because of the bi-polar issue? What if the entire break is because . . . I'm insensitive for calling her house early in the morning? What if it's not that she has a negative attitude in general, but only has a negative attitude towards me, because I called her house early in the morning? How could I have been so insensitive?

Why can't people just tell me what they need? Why do people think I should be able to figure it out on my own? Why why why?

Why do people think they can change my behavior by giving me negative feedback in the first place? Sister #3 just calls and leaves long, yelling messages. Like this: "Okay, since you're so fond of leaving me long-a** !@#$% messages, here's a long-a** !@#$% message for you!" Followed by a list of demands. Of course I don't do them. I delete her messages as soon as I know which tack she's on. This just makes her even MORE angry, because (a) her demands have not been met, and (b) I don't know what her demands are anyway.

Ohhhh . . . maybe sister #1 is mad because she did communicate her needs to me, but I tuned her out because she was insulting me at the time! It's entirely possible.

Well listen up people! If I didn't listen to your needs, maybe it's because YOU were just YELLING about my general INCOMPETENCE at the time.

For the record, I'm perfectly competent.

YOU GUYS, on the other hand, are INCOMPETENT at communicating your needs.

No wonder you're so miserable.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

A Request for the Easily Offended

People who take offense offend me. I mean really. There are so many legitimate things to gripe about in this world, why choose less-than-worthy targets? Here's an example: at the coffee shop down the street there's a sign on the cash register that says "we accept Czechs and all earthly peoples, but we do not accept checks."

I have a friend who is offended by this sign. Why? Not clear. I think it's kind of funny, kind of hip, whatever. Just give me my coffee please, thanks. But this friend of mine finds it rude and snooty. A failed attempt to be clever. Also rude and snooty: recycling, eating organic food, and driving electric cars. Not because he's a conservative (he isn't). But he just doesn't believe it helps anyone to recycle, eat organic food, and drive electric cars. To him, people do those things to try to make other people feel bad about themselves.

Okay, maybe he's right. But at least the conceit of these recycling, organic food eating, electric car driving people is based on a desire to "do good," even if what they secretly desire is creating shame in others. Of course, the same could be said about religion, huh.

Rather than being offended, how about failing to notice? If it doesn't make you feel shame, and instead it just makes the other person look foolish, how about just making it beneath your notice? For example, does anyone remember Andrew Dice Clay? Or N.W.A.? Of course not!

They were just embarrassing. Forgettable. So people! Stop offending me with being stupidly offended!

Oh . . .

Wait . . .

I just started a blog devoted to ranting about all the stupid little offensive details in life. I offend myself. And I'm always willing to extend credit to everyone for being as freakishly neurotic as me, so . . .

I'm sorry if I offended you.


Why do people insist on squatting? Why do the people at blogger tolerate that? For example: - no postings since 2001! And - what a great name for a blog!! Not in use at all. Just a "test blog." And how about this one: - she clearly quit posting in 2005. She was a power blogger but now she's gone. So just let it go, man! I need that address! Move along, move along, time to go.


Oh, right - I have a new blog and might just quit and go away and never come back or post again. For example, I might start taking lithium. So I'm probably a hypocrite. Oh well, if I am I learned from the masters, tra-la, tra-la, nothing bad ever happens, hooray for me, etc, etc, etc . . .